Yes I kissed him, I fucking loved it actually. He’s really great. I love going out on dates with him, it makes me feel all warm inside. But he’s not you, and I know no one will match up to it. But I like to think of this as me moving forward. I still have that empty feeling every time I’m going to bed, but I guess that’s just what happens when you manage to lose all the people you love. I’ll never be able to admit to you that I kissed him until you move on to Julie, because I still haven’t let go, and I’ll always have that bit of hope that you’ll come back to me, even though I know there is no such thing…

Of course..

I put such high expectations, and such big dreams on that relationship, and I think that was the downfall.

I was determined to be in the perfect relationship, completely forgetting happiness isn’t perfection. I smothered you, and eventually I pushed you away. I lost love, I love friendship, I lost trust, but most importantly I lost importance. I miss being the only girl you’d drop everything for, now I’m lucky if I get one day a week. && I’m ohkay with that, I’ve moved on, much faster then I expected, and I may not be happy, and I may not be in love, but I’m getting there. Yeah there are days where all I want is for you to call me and just ask me to take you back, and yes I know I’d say yes in a heartbeat, but once again, those are my unrealistic expectations of life. I think you should go out and be happy, grab that girl, and make her feel how you made me. Don’t let her slip away, and make her fall in love with you, even though she’s not ready.

I’ve had 12 boyfriends.
19 first kisses.
3 Broken hearts.
20+ make-out sessions. 
Sex 9 times.
I’ve been in lust 4 times.
I’ve felt like I was in love twice. 

I’ve been in love, once.
Nothing, in the world is going to take that from me, and no one will ever replace him. He’s my best friend, but he’s more then that. He holds a piece of me, that no matter what I try, no matter what I do, I can never take back. From childish fights, to real passionate sex. He completes me. && I know I must sound like a silly teenager right now, but what I’m feeling, I know it’s not. I didn’t know what being cared about, by someone who’d drop everything for me, felt like. I never had someone stick around, even after the storm. No one has ever held me like he did. No one could ever make me smile like that. I regret nothing in this life, other, the pushing you away. My words mean nothing to this though, and what I say, won’t fix any of the mistakes I’ve made but I just hope one day, you look back, and you don’t resent me.

I’ll never resent the time where you were my everything, and I’ll never forget it. I’m going to cherish it, every moment of it. 

I can still look back to the first day, the first day I told myself you’d be there forever.

I was wearing a gold skirt, and you were wearing that green and white shirt that I have yet to see in years. You wrote my a letter that changed my life forever. We grew, together, that whole year. We were those two, the two that everyone knew would end up together. && Like magic we did, and I was never happier, not with any guy, not ever. You got me, even when I wasn’t completely sure about myself. && Now I’m sitting her, in my kitchen, crying. Crying, because I never thought I’d see the day where you gave up on us. But, I can’t be one to judge, because I wasn’t necessarily the glue in all this. I just never thought I’d be like this. Everyone saw this as a one way train wreck, where I made the tragic mistake, with the guy who I once loved. But a guy, if I may add, who I stopped loving, when I let you in. It’s life though; and I told myself I’d never go back to a guy again that broke my heart. So here we are, or here I am, alone and broke. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t give up to go back in time and fix this, I mean really fix this. Show you how much I care, every second of every day. To treat me like the best friend that you always were to me…

But it’s life, and I guess we can only move forward from this, but I’m sorry.

You’re best friend just walked out the door.

I guess we really were the calm before the storm. 

Everyday, I’m one step farther from what I really want. Everyday, I lose an essential part of myself. Everyday I’m alone. But it’s okay. I’m use to it by now, you know live by the code. Get by. No matter how many tears you shed once the sun goes down, you don’t show it, ever. You just leave it in the darkness. You’re not alone, you’ve still got the silence to keep you company. “Let’s be nothing, I hear it last forever.”

I may be fat, I may be ugly, I may not be fashionable, I may walk weird, I may be to quiet, I may be obnoxious.

But hey, at least I didn’t lose myself in trying to become someone I’m not.

I’m never going to be able to understand WHY, people try so hard, give up so much, and completely convert themselves, to get a sense of acceptance and love in life.

I may not have everything in the world, but if there is one thing I do know I have it is love, I am surrounded by it, and you want to know why? Because I have morals and dignity, because I see no point in trying to become a person that I am not proud of.

I’d rather live my life not being gorgeous, or flawless, not having guys fawning over my feet, then live for nothing, get caught up in thinking I’m not good enough, in giving myself up to things I don’t believe in!

They say people change, but most… most people they just conform, conform to the person they THINK they need to be, the person that other people want to see, it’s sad.
It’s pathetic, and yes… It is tragic.

June 21st, 2010. I lost everyone that day, but I also opened my eyes that day.
Everyone wants something out of everyone, and sooner or later you need to realize that you need to do things for yourself… NOT to be expected. You do things to make yourself feel better, to make yourself feel accomplished. I’ve set some very unrealistic goals for myself lately, not realizing that they were all to please. I’m not that girl anymore, so It’s time to set some goals with meaning.

Lose weight and Tone: NOOO, not for the summer body, not so that people can tell me I’m skinny. So that I will be healthy and in shape, so I’ll feel great when I try on clothes and my jeans aren’t a tad bit tight. So that I can have a guilt free piece of pie. So that this summer I’ll pay more attention to living.

Organize my school work: Not because I want to be the best, Not because I want to be the little nerd I was, but to be on top of things. So I can take things one step at a time and stop procrastinating. To relieve stress and potentially help my future. Keep the purple binder on you at all times, and in top notch condition. It’s going to save you <3.

Add some fashion to your wardrobe: The sweats aren’t making my feel any better about my body. When I get compliments I feel like I’m doing something right. Sometimes you have to put some effort. Spend some time at the mall, actually buying clothes, instead of food. You just might be inspired again to start designing, I still remember my dream of a t-shirt company.